This year’s focus for my company, my ministry, for me, is about the RELATIONSHIP of a different kind. This year my focus is COMPLETELY on the RELATIONSHIP I should be having with FATHER. When THAT relationship is in tact and made whole, the individual becomes in COMPLETE ALIGNMENT and not only do the temporal things of this world fall away, but the Kingdom builders and things of the forever will be and do fall into place. I have been quasi in alignment if you will. Sold out to GOD and purpose, but without the FAITH in the things that I held near and dear to my heart, to my wanting, to my desires, and yes even to my flesh.
It’s so funny because for almost 12 years I have been wanting to return to that PEACE I possessed when I woke up from that coma. I can tell you it was the PEACE OF THE ALMIGHTY GOD HIMSELF as I awoke from being with HIM and in HIS PRESENCE. It was the GLORY of the LORD and when I tell you I glowed like a glow worm, EVERYONE NOTICED the ‘something different’ that you couldn’t quite put your finger on but that was there. I know for my person and insides I FELT DIFFERENT, for my mind I THOUGHT DIFFERENT, for my heart I LOVED DIFFERENT. But then life happened, I became disobedient, and subsequently “UNALIGNED”… and have been ever since.
For years I was a runner. I ran away from the calling on my life, I ran away from the ministry… so in effect I was running away from me. Well at least what would be the very best parts of me and my destiny. The irony is that man thirsts to live a life pleasing to himself, yet spends many of his years avoiding that which would bring him the most joy… being reconciled to himself and his SELF for purpose… So I have spent all these years running in the opposite direction of my destiny, too scared, too afraid, and too unwilling to embrace the requirements to chase it and take that obstacle course instead.
Like so many others, I chose what I thought and believed to be the path of least resistance only to realize that my perception of the path of least resistance was actually the deception of the path of the most obstacles, the most hardships, the most heartbreak, and the most pain and anguish. It is crazy how this mind of ours works to twist things, pervert things, and convince us easily of untruths while we struggle to believe the very truth that should come naturally to us. That is why our minds MUST BE STAYED on FATHER, on YESHUA’s HOLY NAME because then and only then are we protected with HIS PEACE and our own INNER PEACE of KNOWING what we should do and must do.
Knowing what we should do and must do. No truer nor more difficult words have been spoken. THAT RIGHT THERE HAS BEEN the thorn in my flesh. All of these years, even up until this past weekend, I have fought with every fiber of my being the surrender of my will for His. The putting down of EVERYTHING for Him. I’m almost ashamed to admit it, but can no longer be. While I know that I appear courageous and strong and all these things, I have allowed my past hurts, pains, fears, panics, and weaknesses to lay dormant and surface at will with different triggers and set up shop. So as a result I have backslid more times than I care to count, although one day the number will be clear, every offense brought to my remembrance, with a pause for an explanation to be rendered for consideration during judgment.
The enemy has always known my weaknesses and since I have a dashboard of available buttons, it is no wonder that they would get pushed at the most inopportune times – those times when the ministry was growing, the anointing was flowing, and I was at the top of my game. This past year has seen the mother board of buttons on push, hold, and just going crazy. That is what my year 2011 was all about… each and every button being pushed and me ‘reacting’ to every one of them (well not every one but enough) with the reflexes of the OLD STEFANY. And frankly I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. While I have been in that space and place before and have been guilty of that sentiment without merit, I can honestly say at this point something has changed.
Instead of putting the pressure on myself to be perfect and walk perfectly and upright, because I know now that I cannot. Instead of trying to hide my sins and/or trip ups behind the cloak of GOD’s grace and mercy; I have purposed to just GET REAL and BE REAL with GOD. I have allowed my faith to be driven out by fear and panic for way too long… and the fear is not something that can’t be conquered, but just something I was unwilling to previously surrender to faith instead. Well no more. Last year in 2011 I fell, and were it not for Donnie McClurkin’s instructions of us falling and getting back up, it could have very well changed everything. And as always I was ready to BEEP BEEP, run and run fast from everything the LORD has been doing, gifting, and purposing in my life. Hence the adversary’s way of BACKSTABBING me the BACKSLIDER.
But what makes this time different from all of the other times, is that I not only had a true heart of repentance and regret, my shame (which is not completely gone I must admit) is not to the degree where I will give up the things GOD has purposed me to do. Instead I will live with the repercussions of my actions and the things I have done in my flesh recognizing once and for all that I am a human being and only by HIS GRACE and MERCY do I operate and am I able to live. I now realize the sentiments of laying down your life for Christ as I am now to the place for the first time ever in all of my years, where I am WILLING and securely ABLE to LAY DOWN MY LIFE FOR HIM.
It doesn’t feel good, in fact, my heart is beating fast with the mere profession of it. But to LAY DOWN MY LIFE means that each and every day my flesh, my human needs, my earthly desires, my heartfelt wants, and my emotional thirsts must DIE and be traded in for HIM and only HIM. My 2011 experience and fallings have taught me that and now I have come to a place where the anxiousness I feel inside is really that part of my character which is FEAR — which senses and knows that it is about to be evicted. It’s a difficult thing to evict FEAR from your person.
I realized a long time ago that even when you think you’ve kicked it out, you realize that it left something behind and not until you stumble across that thing does it make itself visible and present again. So this time I’m driving it out and sweeping clean each and every possible corner of where it could hide. I’m turning things upside down, moving and shifting some things, and I’m airing out EVERYTHING… for now I realize that until I do, it will always have a place to hide! I always said in my platform that you can run but never hide from destiny… truth be told you can’t, but if you are not careful and without FEAR, your destiny can certainly be HID FROM YOU!