So the past few weeks my spirit has been grieved about the nature of sexual sin. I am beginning to believe that one cannot ask GOD to forgive pre-meditation or conscious carnality in action and deed over and over again as if it’s a get out of jail free kind of thing. I came into the New Year with a very changed outlook. While I choose not to share the specifics of everything, there is a time for every THING. I was able to reach out to the woman who was my Deliverance Pastor when I went through the process of being delivered from my sexual lusts and appetite. She was truly able to minister me thru and it was wonderful, because I needed that BRIDGE TO MY RELATIONSHIP with FATHER to be restored once again. My past sins and conviction/condemnation of them was preventing that and causing a gap which exists no more.
This morning during my worship something drastically changed. For the past couple of days I have been proceeding accordingly with ministry and focus and have also not been worried nor concerned about leaving people behind or not waiting for people as I have before. That sentiment is settled and no longer an issue. I am to just proceed and what GOD purposes in business and otherwise will absolutely be. Anyway, I want to share with you what happened and the move of GOD, because yes He does move.
On Monday after my session with Pastor Domino, my travail and heart of sincere repentance was confessed and true forgiveness from Father was extended. As a member of the ministry I am held MORE ACCOUNTABLE than anyone else so my transgressions are with more gravity every time. Nonetheless, it was as if the LORD repaired the tear in my veil if you will. So since Monday I have really been before the LORD and in HIS WORD like never before. I’ve been heavily in the story of David (well actually first Samuel, then Saul, then David) but the entire story of DAVID like you would not believe.
So this morning after I anointed myself with oil something really happened for me. The bible says that we know not what we ought to pray and for that cause the spirit makes intercession for us to pray what we need. I experienced that holy move this morning. It was revealed that all this time I was praying for my husband and THE ADAM and THE KING who is my king and with the expectancy of a “natural man”. TODAY the GLORY OF THE LORD revealed through the HOLY GHOST who made intercession on behalf and corrected my petition and prayer. I had just finished praying for the healing of specific family and friends, and calling out names, etc. and the anointing took over.
I realized that I have been pursuing GOD and the things of GOD and the ministry He has purposed me to do while simultaneously praying for my husband so that the ministry can go forth and begin. Wrong! TODAY I prayed a very loving prayer and it was THE PRAYER and THE PETITION and THE REQUEST that needed to be made so that GOD could oblige. Today I prayed the WILL OF FATHER not with a faint heart or almost total commitment, but I PRAYED THE WILL OF FATHER WITH THE REVELATION OF WHAT THAT WILL ACTUALLY IS.
It was so supernatural. I prayed for the LORD, for HIM. I only want HIM, and I only want HIS LOVE and no other person’s love will satisfy me or do. I only want to BE WITH HIM and for the first time I meant that from my heart and not just my mind. I only want to be in HIS PRESENCE and I want HIM BY MY SIDE. I WANT HIS LEADERSHIP, HIS DIRECTION, HIS GUIDANCE. I only want HIS VOICE, HIS COMFORT, HIS STRENGTH, HIS COMPASSION, HIS UNDERSTANDING, HIS TOUCH. I only want HIM, ALL OF HIM, EVERY BIT OF HIM, EVERY OUNCE OF EVERYTHING HE HAS TO GIVE and offers me. ONLY HIM. Writing about it is actually ushering me back into that sentiment from this morning. So I realized that while all the time I was praying for my husband, my prayers could never be answered because they were “off”.
From beyond the veil this morning I realized and it clicked for me that GOD IS MY HUSBAND, I mean He really is and I experienced that for the first time in my life. I shared an intimacy with HIM this morning that is beyond words. Now I understand where the patience and the peace these other women of GOD have that I’ve never been able to understand comes from.. the surety of who is my husband and that is GOD. It’s such a beautiful feeling and indescribable. So this morning the spirit spoke to me and it all made sense.
I’ve been praying for THE MAN, THE ADAM for me when all I ever had to ask for was that GOD BE MY ADAM and BE THE ADAM for me and appear to walk WITH me so that we can build this Kingdom together as I live through the purpose He has created and designed for me. So I was praying and praying, GOD BE the husband I need to help me raise my children, be the wisdom I need to know what to do in every situation because I really don’t have a clue. GOD be the husband who provides comfort to me, wrap your arms around me and love me. GOD be the husband who provides security for me, cover me and protect me from outsiders, from strangers, from those pretending to be my friends who are not. GOD be the husband who will help me to gain wisdom as I listen to your directions. GOD be all the things I desire, want, thirst for, and need in a husband. LORD, will you MARRY ME?
That’s right I realized then and there what had taken place. I had asked the LORD my GOD for HIS hand in marriage. I asked HIM to BE MY BRIDEGROOM that I was hungry for all these years… years before my first marriage even. The years when I was a young teenage girl wanting a boyfriend and the protection of a knight in shining armour. I felt the presence of the Holy Spirit at that moment and in an instant an overwhelming peace surrounded me and enveloped my heart. I was IN LOVE again and I FELT LOVED back in return. I didn’t just feel the presence of the LORD and His spirit, I FELT HIS LOVE. I FELT THE LOVE I wanted to externally feel my entire life by an external man. I FELT THE LOVE OF GOD as if He WAS a man physically standing next to me. I felt complete. I felt connected. I felt reconciled. I felt in alignment as never before.
I finally understand the MARRIAGE with CHRIST RELATIONSHIP and its reach far extends beyond the natural and the physical. I now have bared witness that GOD’s walking WITH me in spiritual alignment can now be manifested in the natural alignment ONLY IF IT IS HIS WILL TO DO SO because the only person who could ever appear before me as my life partner and husband by the world’s standards is GOD’s LOVE in human form by my side, the REFLECTION of ME of my SELF (which is HIM in me) and that is the only person I could ever be reconciled with or to. I am settled, I am comforted, and I am at peace, and i feel like I hit the jackpot because I don’t have to wait for a husband or a man, He’s already here. It reminds me of that song by Brian Courtney Wilson called Already Here. The lyrics are profound and it has been a part of my daily worship experience because it is so appropriate.
All this time I’ve wanted a husband, and now that I have one I really do feel complete. I have to also boldly with confidence accept that should a physical man be placed before me with an expression or desire for a procession towards marriage, it would be me now waiting for GOD to show up and stand before me and say “hello, I’m here dear.” The most beautiful part of that last statement is that I am finally at a place of acceptance that should it never happen, should GOD’s will for my life be that I live the rest of my days married only to Him, I am secure, confident, and ok with that.
I am at peace and am prepared to live the life GOD has ordained for me no matter what it looks like. I’ve put away my IDOL of relationship and marriage and the world’s definition of both. I’ve put away my loneliness in that thirst for companionship and traded it in for ALONENESS in FELLOWSHIP. I now realize to pick up a relationship of any kind at this point would be to commit adultery on GOD, it would violate the relationship we now have with each other, and I would be dishonoring our commitment and covenant. So here it is I start fresh and new with a clean slate, walking away once again from my flesh, my desires, my lusts, and yes my dreams of having that MAN and instead of being a human being TRUSTING GOD and trying hard, I am no RESTING IN PEACE & LOVE with MY NOW HUSBAND who’s in control. I finally have the leadership I’ve always wanted and it is well with my soul.